What would cats say, if they could talk? What would they tell us?

This is Rameses. Rameses is nine years old, and has a lot to say, if the constant loud meowing is any indication. What might he be trying to say?

• I exist in a constant state of semi-starvation, and my human doesn’t care.
• My human is a big meany, who will not let me go outside and slaughter the neighbourhood wildlife. The occasional spider or bug is all very well, but a hunter needs more challenging prey!
• My human has some weird objection to me sitting on her computer keyboard and playing with the screen. Why is it there and why do little things move about on it, if not for me?
• My human gets annoyed if I meow at her when she’s sleeping. You don’t hear me complaining at the noise she makes when I’m sleeping. So selfish!
• The other cat won’t let me use her as a pillow. Why’s she so fat then?
• The other cat always wants to stop playing before I do. She is falling down on the job of entertaining me, which is clearly the only reason for her existence.
• What’s wrong with sitting in the basin, and then sitting on my human with wet fur afterwards?
• The human knows I like to drink from the tap, and yet refuses to leave it constantly running for me. The fact that I have a bowl of clean water available for me is irrelevant.
• No, I do not know how that thing that was on the table is now on the floor, and the human’s insistence that she saw me push it is a clear sign of her delusional state.
• Anyway, it was in my way.

This is Tsarina. She is seven years old. She has less to say than Rameses, and thankfully at a somewhat lower volume. She does, however, hold some opinions of her own that she would be happy to share.

• I too, exist in a constant state of semi-starvation. I do not know what the human means by ‘fat’.
• I like having my belly rubbed. The human does not do this enough. All the time would be acceptable.
• I like cat nip. I want cat nip and belly rubs.
• And food, don’t forget the food.
• Why is the other cat constantly annoying me? I do not want to play all the time. I want to sleep on the human’s bed.
• I am not a pillow.
• Why is the human’s bedroom door shut? I will try to dig my way under the door.
• I have no idea how that hole in the carpet got there.
• The other cat did it.
• If the human does not feed me soon, I will trip her up.

So if only cats could talk … I suspect they’d drive their humans around the bend.