I don’t really talk about my personal life much on this blog. However, 2018 has been quite a tough year for me, involving a great deal of upheaval and change in my life. I have an illness that, while it isn’t going to kill me, is not going to go away either. I have tried to carry on as normal for the last few years, but was forced this year to confront the inevitable, and make the transition from full time to part time work. Had I faced facts a little earlier this whole change might have been smoother, but I spent a lot of time with my head in the sand telling myself I was managing, and it wasn’t so bad. So, I had to leave a job I was good at and friends I liked, and of course there has been a sizeable reduction in income.
It’s been hard. I think any major change in your life involves a grieving process, and I do not believe I am entirely over it even now. There are days when I wonder why on earth this happened, what did I do wrong, and so on. There are days when I second-guess every action, every decision I have made. My inner critic tells me I’ve managed everything badly, that I didn’t try hard enough, and that it’s all my own fault.
I believe the key to surviving, and thriving, through such circumstances, lies in re-evaluation of yourself and how you see your life. What I am trying to do is reinvent myself, to pursue interests and occupations that are home-based, but no less valid for that. I want to look in the mirror, and not see a crippled, useless person, but someone who just has a different lifestyle, who has value and has contributions still to make. I may have physical limitations, but I’m still alive, I still have a brain and there are still things I can do.
For the new year I resolve this – to construct that new life I am beginning to glimpse and create that person I would like to be. I want to reclaim my self-esteem and value. I want to live with meaning and dignity. I’m not finished. And my life is not over. This is just a new chapter.
I’m starting to get excited. Just a little. But it’s growing.
A big thank you to all of you who read and follow my blog. I cannot express how much your support means to me. I hope you all have a wonderful New Year. My prayer for you all is that you succeed in whatever you do, and may 2019 bring you health, peace, and joy.